(This blog will be funnier if you know the whole story. You should probably join twitter too in order to optimise your experience.)
Somewhere on Scary Island…
Jenn: Shaddup!! I’m on the phone with my kids, yo!!!!!
Mickey: Jenn, could you please just go in the other room?
Jenn: This isn’t about YOU Mickey!
Jenn: You are not an author Lynn!
Lynn: Who are you again?
Jenn: You are not an author. You are pretending to be an author and it’s creepy.
What are you talking about?
Jenn: You say you have a blog, but I don’t know anyone who ever read your blog. You are a writer, not an author. Writer!
Well actually I have read her blog, she does have a blog. I saw it.
Jenn: Well I never saw her resume. How would I know if she has a blog or not? Words on the internet do not an author make. But whatevs.
So anyway…. Lynn, I just wanted to say thank you for posting my link on your blog the other day. That was very nice of you.
Lynn: You’re welco —
Jenn: ARE YOU GONNA KISS HER NOW??? Like with the tongue??
Mickey: No, I was just thanking her.
Jen: I don’t care what you were doing. I want you to ZIP IT.
Jenn please —
Jenn, come on, stop it.
Mickey: Come on Lynn, let’s go in the other room for a minute so I can finish what I was saying.
Jenn: Yeah go in the other room so you can tongue kiss in private!
Jenn: You know RCH, you are like totally crazy. Like you were totally channeling a hate blogger when you said mean things about that guy from Yahoo. I cried. I had nightmares! You attacked that Yahoo guy. And his kids too! You attacked his kids in your blog!
Jenn: Well Lynn did, she attacked his kids and had you deliver the message for her. Hate hobby blogger! She blogs hate and vitriol! She has knives on her tongue and tried to cut me with them! I have a scratch on my arm- see!! She’s taking money away from professional bloggers like me. Money out of my pocket and food out of my children’s mouths! My little girls! She’s trying to starve my children! She told everyone in DM’s that it’s her master plan!
I don’t think that happened.
Jenn: Yes it happened! She tried to kill me too! She hacked my blog and sent me viruses. Killer viruses that infect humans! She’s a H@k0rz for realz, yo!
Oh. Ok. Well I’ll be right back….
Wait a minute! Hold on. Why am I getting stuck with the crazy one?!
RCH: Omg. What WAS that??
Lynn: F you and F you because I told you!
RCH: No you didn’t…
Mickey: Yeah you didn’t tell me either.
Lynn: You’re right, I actually didn’t. But now you see what I’ve been dealing with! The lunatic came OUT!
Jenn: Lynn is scary. She sent me a tweet once. It had my name on it. It was so creepy and impersonal. And you want me to sit here with her and her vitriol? After she called you an old lady???
ROH: Well, it is my name…
Jenn: She spreads hate. She is a hobby blogger. A hate hobby blogger. And it bugs, ya know. It just bugs on a human level, because I’m human. And I won’t stand for that. That’s not what I’m about or what I stand for.
ROH: I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding. There is really no reason for you to get so upset.
Jenn: She might have a blog. But I am a professional author and I have 5 new books coming out this month. And I already have 3 books on the best sellers list. I wrote them when I was 12. See how talented I am? I was writing books when I was a kid! What was Lynn doing when she was a kid? Teasing kids on the play ground? And I have an award. I’m an award winner! What award has she ever won? I’m so authentic for realz. Who are those bishes? They don’t even get paid. And they made me CRY and have nightmares too!
ROH: I’m scared.
Jenn: I know. It’s scary how mean they are.
ROH: No, I mean I’m scared of you.
Lynn: We have to go back to the table. We left ROH all alone in there.
Mickey: I don’t want to go back.
RCH: She’s had some time to calm down, I’m sure it’s fine now.
Jenn: Not only am I a housewife, but I’m also a member of Associated Content. Anyone can write for them but they gave me an award so I’m special. SPECIAL damn it! If I don’t toot my own horn who will? Answer me that! WHO???
Lynn: I don’t know hon. Maybe your commenters would… if you had any.
Jenn: I would have commenters if it weren’t for you! If you didn’t have your blog then people would have no choice but to comment on mine. You should all be ashamed of yourselves! You and all your hobby blog hate readers! You only want to slam people! It’s not art! Not like what I do in my Youtube videos when I make fun of the other mother’s at my children’s school and call them dirty whores on the internet! I’m perfecting an art! What you do is hateful and mean!!
And I love Dina! Did you know that?? You asked questions about her charity. A charity for kids. Sick kids!! How can you question that??!!!
Lynn: I was just asking her for the truth. That’s all. “The truth, you can’t handle the truth.”
Omg! Put your hair up!
Jenn: No, I was saying put your hair up… because it’s Al Sharpton.
I’m very drunk so I could be wrong, but I think you may have some sort of chemical imbalance Jenn.
Jenn: I don’t have an imbalance. You are all crazy. Not me. You are arguing with yourselves while I’m sitting here quietly not saying anything. So who looks crazy now, huh? Who is the crazy one! Whatevs yo, as long as it makes you guys feel better that’s cool with me. I’m all about peace and zen just like my idol Dina.
ROH: Ok that’s good Jenn. I’m proud of you. Now maybe we can enjoy the rest of our dinner.
Jenn: HOBBY BLOGGERS! You guys stole my readers and you made them boycott me!!! And now they have to read me in the dark with the lights off while they boycott me while not canceling their subscriptions!! You know what, I am so above this. I’m going to go off in my lala land with jelly beans and gum berries where Dina loves me and lets me be part of Project Lady Bug so that I can brag to everyone about how charitable I am. You guys can sit here alone with your hate and vitriol. Have fun! Byyyeeeee!!!!
RCH: What the fuck?
Lynn: That girl has some real issues. This is crazy!
Mickey: Where is my wine? I need another glass of wine please! Actually just bring the whole bottle! Two bottles will be fine, thanks!
ROH: I don’t like to talk about the children. Children should be off limits. But I’m afraid for her children.
Hieeeeyyy I’m back. I wrote a blog about you guys. You wanna read it?
RCH: Are you feeling better now?
Jenn: Yes I am.
Mickey: Well that’s good because —
Jenn: HOBBY BLOGGERS! Hater hobby bloggers!!!!
Lynn: Omg not again.
RCH: Jenn you seriously need to stop.
Jenn: This is all white noise. I blocked you all so that I can’t hear anything you are saying. You are all BLOCKED!
ROH: What did I do to get blocked?
Jenn: I can’t hear you. You’ve been blocked!
Lynn: Good so I guess she won’t hear me if I call her a #nutjob
Jenn: I heard that! Hater! Go sip on your steaming cup of Hateraid! You are not professionals like me! I get paid to do this! I slave away 27 hours a day at this job because it’s what I love to do! I get paid and you don’t and I have a friend named Lisa and she is an artist and she promotes herself and so I’m going to promote myself too because saying that I am the awesomest shiznett isn’t bragging! It’s promotion!
RCH: The only thing you’re promoting is the delusional love you have for yourself.
Jenn: Don’t hate on my amazing self-esteem. If I don’t love myself who will love me? Not those PTA mom’s, that’s for sure. You’re all just nasty haters. And what is with that big vase you are always carrying around Lynn? What’s in there, huh? Like the ashes of a very big dead person or something? Or maybe you are just trying to be like Teresa with her huge vases. We all know you secretly love her and wish you could live in the marble mansion with her and Juicy Joe! Just admit it!
Lynn: You are insane!
JUST GO TO SLEEP!
ROH: You guys, Jenn is not well. Something is very wrong here. I think we all need to stop arguing and help her because she is having a breakdown or something.
RCH: Fuck that. This bitch is 10 kinds of crazy and she started this shit. I’m gonna go write a blog about this.
Lynn: I’m coming with you.
Mickey: Wait. I can’t walk straight. Someone carry me to the blog!
ROH: Ummm…. So Jenn. Uhhh… Oh look, it’s Dina Manzo!
Where did everybody go?