The show starts with NeNe visiting the plastic surgeon for a boob reduction, nose job, and stomach lipo. Since Greg has been neglecting her she chose to wear a sexy robe and go with full frontal nudity while showing the doctor her stomach. Unfortunately her attempts at seduction were unsuccessful. She did get a 10% discount though.
We meet Kim’s parents and it clarifies a lot of things. I don’t know why I thought they were like a nice old couple sitting in their house skipping over Bravo while channel surfing and feeling like total failures for the way their daughter turned out. They are just like her! The mom yells “Thank you Big Poppa!” for the wine, and the father is totally fine with Kim being back with him as long as he gets to use his pool. Oh, and Kim is Italian. Makes so much sense now. Sorry to my Italian friends out there, but I can’t look at you guys the same anymore. The Real Housewives has done more to damage the Italian American reputation than the Mafia ever did.
Kim wants to get Arriana baptised, but the church won’t do it because Kim is like the exact opposite of what a good Catholic should be. Her mom says they just want money and suggests Kim make a call to Big Poppa to take care of it.
In his interview Kim’s dad says that Kim is a class individual. Or he may have said crass… It was hard to tell. Crass definitely makes more sense.
Fakedra invites Cynthia to a Steeplechase so that they can get to know each other better. Then she spends ten minutes of interview time talking shit about Cynthia and models in general. Fakedra is not capable of saying nice things about anyone but herself.
Fakedra continues her shit talking in the limo. She explains (to the man who just told her he has 5 kids) that her husband is “clean” because he doesn’t have a bunch of children or any baby mammas (that she knows of) and goes on and on about how she is so holy and didn’t live in sin before the wedding (so that’s how she scammed him into marrying her) and how awful it would be to marry someone who already has children and baggage….
Who else can’t wait until Apollo divorces her and she becomes an “un clean” woman with baggage and a baby daddy?
Tammy Fay Baker and Willy Wonka?
Yep. Sounds about right. Good call Cynthia.
Fakedra is another “true equestrian” like Kelly and Mary. She rode a couple of times in college and that (of course) automatically entitles her to know everything about the sport (even though horse racing is a totally different sport) and proceeds to insult the professional riders who do this for a living and explain to the camera what they are doing wrong.
I don’t understand why they got all dressed up to stand on wet grass. They didn’t even have seats, they just stood next to the fence. When the OC ladies go to the races they have tables and champagne and waiters serving food.
Kandi is still talking shit in her interviews about Kim not paying her for Tardy For The Party. But when Kim comes and asks her to make another song happen for her, Kandi not only doesn’t bring up the money situation, she enthusiastically agrees and offers Kim to go on tour with her. Maybe Google Me was Kandi’s secret revenge?
Fakedra, not to be outdone in the ridiculous department by Teresa Giudice, decides to do a first dance at her baby shower. But she is forced to do the dance with Dwight because her husband is too normal to go along with this crazy shit.
It turns out that Sheree’s doctor boyfriend is not actually a real doctor, he is a “love doctor”. Ladies, if you have been wondering why successful black men are not interested in you, now you know – it’s because you’ve been opening the ketchup bottle all on your own. I don’t know how they do it down south, but I can’t remember the last time I saw a bottle of ketchup. Aren’t they all in those plastic squeeze things now?
But on the bright side, now I know that I’ve been unintentionally making my marriage better due to the fact that I am unable to open anything that has a lid on it. Even if I was the one who closed it.
NeNe is home from the hospital after her boob job, lipo, and nose job touch up. Kim cracked open a bottle of champagne, NeNe cracked open her bottle of pain pills and they had a little party in the living room.
In case any of you haven’t had the time to get a lap dance recently, let me inform you: bedazzled eyelids are the newest fashion trend in high class stripper wear. You want your very own sequins with adhesive backing? You can find them at your local sex store for about $6.99.
Fakedra’s stylists clearly hate her as much as the rest of us do. She can claim that she had flowers in her hair until her face turns blue, but all I saw were large white christmas lights.
Fakedra is one woman who could really benefit from some botox on her upper lip.
NeNe’s thoughts on Fakedra:
Kim showed up to the baby shower extravaganza an hour late, without a hat, and wearing the complete opposite of a pastel colored tea dress. Awesome.
Lisa showed up too and added absolutely nothing to the show, as usual.
Fakedra does her first dance with Dwight and some ballerina back up dancers because, as an entertainment lawyer, she has a better appreciation for the arts than the average person who doesn’t know Bobby Brown.
The women were horrified by the grandiose display of embarrassment.
I can’t belive she had BALLET music when she could have had me sing Tardy For The Party!! Bitch is CRAZY!