I know you were expecting a part 2 of The Real Housewives of DC reunion, but unfortunately there wasn’t one. In it’s place was a Question & Answer segment with the Salahi’s hosted by Andy Cohen. (I use the term “answer” lightly, because, while there were responses provided to the questions, there were not any legitimate answers actually given).
Tareq joins the women on the couch despite Lynda’s protests. But she has Ebong waiting in the wings should Tareq happen to find a glass of wine to throw at her.
Tareq is allowed an opening statement before we get started. He proclaims how despicable it is for anyone to accuse another person of lying about being sick. A persons health is something that should never, ever be questioned. And if that sick person should chose to use their health as an excuse for bad behavior, that should not be questioned either. To question another persons health is just wrong, and un-American.
He says he wishes he could take Michaele’s illness into his body. Michaele fake cries. It was very touching.
Ok, so onto the Q&A:
First Question: Why didn’t you pay for Paul Wharton’s birthday party?
Answer: Michaele was one for 4 co-hosts and her part was to provide the wine.
Andy: The women claim there was no Oasis wine there that night. And an email from the venue says they never received any wine.
Tareq: The venue and the women are lying.
Next Question: Why didn’t you provide Stacie with a letter from the bank proving that you could afford to purchase a 8 million dollar home?
Answer: Stacie never sent an email asking for the letter.
Andy: And what about the fact that we just watched her ask for the letter on the clip that was just played 36 seconds ago?
Tareq: The real truth?
Andy: Yes, the real truth.
Tareq: We were working with another real estate agent and we gave the letter to them.
Next question: Where are you living now?
Answer: Mumbles… half sentences… random words….
Andy: Do you own a home?
Andy: Do you have your name on a deed?
Tareq: We have a residence at Oasis. We also have a secret farm house that no one knows about.
Question: What happened to the large house in your audition tape?
Michaele: It’s still there.
Andy: But is that your house?
Michaele: Not anymore.
Andy: So you sold it?
Cat: It was never your house.
Michaele: Where are you living Cat? I heard you were living in Lynda’s basement!
Stacie: They do not have a deed recorded in their name. I checked MLS. Neither of them has ever owned a house. Ever. They’re squatters on his mom’s property. It’s true!
Tareq: We have a deed. It’s a OTR deed. You can’t find it on MLS. You have to be a White House realtor to gain access to that information.
Question: So TMZ said that you are $900,000 in debt and owe $81,000 on credit cards.
Tareq: That was Oasis Enterprises Inc vs Oasis Vineyard Inc.
Andy: Are you bankrupt?
Tareq: The companies are bankrupt.
Lynda: Why are you buying 7 carat diamond bracelets when you owe people money?
Tareq: Because under bankruptcy law you aren’t allowed to pay your bills. It’s illegal.
Stacie: But as a decent human being you should pay your bills.
Tareq: It’s not about not paying bills. It’s about being legally correct. It wouldn’t be fair to pay some bills and not others, so clearly the only option we had was to pay no one and buy jewelry instead.
Question: Do you realize there is a huge difference between your reality and the way you portray yourselves on tv?
Tareq: People think making wine is glamorous, but the truth is it’s agriculture.
Andy goes to break so that he can bang his head against the wall for a minute.
When we come back all the husbands have joined the Q&A, expect for Cat’s because her black heart drove him away. Now that Rich is present, we can talk about Lolly without breaking any man rules.
Question: Why did you think Lolly stole your car?
Tareq: Lolly posted a message on a facebook photo that said “I can’t believe you wore that hat to L2“
Andy: How exactly does this comment implicate Lolly?
Tareq: Because how else would she know the hat was stolen?
Andy: But how is that comment proof that she knew the hat was stolen or that she went on a joy ride in the stolen car?
Tareq: Well, the FBI was investigating.
Andy: Um, ok… Do you think you owe Mary and Rich an apology?
Tareq: We thought it was better to tell them in person than for them to hear it from someone else.
Andy: Is that your apology?
Michaele: I’m sorry that it was brought up on camera.
Tareq: Well we would be sorry if it turns out that Lolly had nothing to do with it. But she may have been the mastermind. We don’t know yet. We are waiting to hear back from the CIA.
Andy: But the police and The Washington Post are claiming that Lolly had nothing to do with it.
Tareq: Well obviously the CIA doesn’t inform the local police of their OTR investigations. That just doesn’t happen. And you can’t believe anything the Washington Post says because they were the ones who started those crazy rumors that we crashed the White House.
Andy suggests we just move on because clearly Tareq is never going to apologize for the Lolly situation and there are still 6847302 more things he has been accused of that need to be discussed.
Next Question: Gay Jason said you snuck into the black caucus dinner and were then escorted out by secret service. Is this true?
Tareq: We were never escorted out of the party. Gay Jason was just being dramatic, you know how those gays are.
Andy: So you are saying Gay Jason is a liar?
Tareq: Absolutely, 1,000%, no question about it.
Andy: That’s interesting, because Lance Jones, the director of communications for the congressional black caucus foundation says that you were asked to leave the event by security after it was discovered that you didn’t have tickets.
Tareq: Well clearly that guy is a liar too.
Andy: How many tickets did you have that night?
Tareq: We were the guests of the Gardner Law Group.
Andy: Did you have 4 tickets?
Tareq: Paul Gardner had cleared the invitation for the other two.
Stacie: Did you have 4 tickets? Yes or no?
Michaele: I had a ticket and a seat.
Stacie: 4 tickets – Yes or no?
Michaele: Well I never saw a ticket. You’ll have to ask Paul Gardner about that. And while you’re at it, ask him if he’s seen my bra please.
Question: But don’t you think it’s just an amazing coincidence that Gay Jason and the guy from the black caucus are telling the same lie about you? Isn’t that weird?
Tareq: No not at all. It happens all the time. People love to lie about me.
Once again, we go to break for some much needed xanax and scotch. We return and get to the main question everyone has been asking for the last year:
Question: Did you crash the White House?
Answer: No. It was a series of misunderstandings by the White House, not the Salahi’s.
Finally! Honesty! It is true that there was a series of misunderstandings by government officials working for the White House in which they accidentally allowed two uninvited people into the party.
Andy: Did you get to meet the president?
Michaele: We met him before in 2005.
Andy: Did you lie about having a physical invitation?
Michaele: I didn’t know what we had.
Andy: But you said you had a physical invitation.
Michaele: Well I didn’t know what he had. I just do what he says.
Andy: But you looked for the invitation in the car.
Michaele: No, I was looking for an email. The email was the invitation.
Andy: So is the invitation email is in the book written by Diane Diamond?
Tareq: She published all the emails in the book.
Andy: Ok, because I read the book like 10 times and there was no email inviting you to the White House.
Tareq: Well what happened was I called Michaele Jones’ office and asked the secretary which gate we should arrive at for the party. The secretary told me to go to Gate B at 6:30. And when Michaele called the White House to ask about the dress code they told her it would be appropriate if she wore a red sari. So if we weren’t invited, why did they Michaele what to wear and tell me what time to arrive? Huh? If they didn’t want us to come they sure have a funny way of showing it. Seriously. There is your proof right there.
Question: Ok, but the truth is you really didn’t have any confirmation that you were invited. So why still go?
Michaele: We were always invited to be a part of the receiving line. It was just the actual dinner that we were waiting on confirmation for.
Andy: But the emails don’t say anything about being invited to stand in the receiving line.
Tareq: That conversation took place over a phone call.
Andy: How can you guys seriously still claim that you thought you were invited?
Tareq: Our names were on the OTR list. It’s a secret list. Like Michaele’s secret illness, her secret work for MS awareness, and our secret farm house.
Cat: Have you ever been officially invited to the White House?
Michaele: I used to work there in the 90’s.
Cat: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN OFFICIALLY INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE?
Michaele: No, I’ve never been officially invited. Only secretly invited.
Andy: Ok but you didn’t sit down for dinner at the White House. Is that because you weren’t invited?
Michaele: No, it’s because I don’t like lentil soup.
Andy: Ok, so you left because you didn’t like the food?
Michaele: No, I left because I wasn’t feeling well.
Andy: Do you feel guilty that people lost their jobs or that Cat was uninvited to the Christmas party as a result of your crashing?
Michaele: No one lost their job and Cat wasn’t uninvited. Obama has too much love in his heart to uninvited someone. It was Cat’s husband who uninvited her, he just used Obama as an excuse. Besides, anyone can go to the White House Christmas party. It’s not like you have to be on a list or anything.
Andy: So if you’re not guilty, then why did you plead the 5th?
Tareq: We really wanted to answer the questions. Unfortunately we were only authorized to answer certain questions and the authorized questions were never asked.
Andy: But they asked you “are you in the room right now?” and you pleaded the 5th.
Tareq: That question was not on the list of authorized questions.
Andy: Why couldn’t you just answer “yes we had an invitation?”
Michaele: Our lawyers and the White House said that they needed the whole situation to go away and they were respecting that. We pleaded the 5th as a personal favor to Obama. Congress was only asking us questions because the public wanted to know if the whole thing was a publicity stunt.
Andy: No, the public wanted to know if you crashed the White House.
Tareq: No, the public wanted to know if it was an audition. That’s why congress was questioning us. Because they work for the people, and the people wanted to know if it was an audition. It was the biggest story of the year.
Andy: I think the bigger story was whether or not you snuck into the White House.
Tareq: The biggest story of the entire decade was whether or not it was a publicity stunt.
Andy: It really wasn’t
Andy finally realized he was never going to get anywhere with the Salahi’s and threw his note cards up in the air. He spent 5 minutes talking to the other women, but none of them had anything interesting to say. So he ended the show.