Teresa’s Bravo blog this week was extra ridiculous. I added my own thoughts in bold if you feel like reading this crap along with me.
How much did I love this week’s episode? So much great family comedy and so
little Danielle drama! Well, there was a little, so let’s just get that out of the way…
(She was right that there was little Danielle drama, but very wrong about the “great family comedy” part. I saw Joe be annoyed with her, her girls be annoyed with her, Caroline be annoyed with her kids, and Jacqueline try way too hard to try to have fun with her. I didn’t see a lot of comedy.)
Joe was with his beautiful wife the night of his accident, (Joe has a beautiful wife? Who? I though Teresa was his wife.) thank you very much.
We went to dinner with Caroline and Albert, Jacqueline and Chris and even Tamra
from Real Housewives of Orange County. When we came back from the city, my car was at Jacqueline’s house, so I drove back with her instead of riding back with Joe. (Because when you are all headed for the same neighborhood it makes perfect sense that you would sit in the back seat of Chris and Jac’s car and let your husband drive alone) Thank goodness I did because his car was really smashed up. That was the
first miracle – that I wasn’t in the car. (The first miracle is that Teresa didn’t get hurt because of course she is the most important. The second miracle is that Teresa’s hair didn’t get messed up, the third is that she didn’t ruin any of her clothes, and the fourth is that Joe is ok and still around to scam, lie, and steal to get his wife whatever ugly shit her heart desires be there for his girls) The second was that Joe was completely
fine. He had to crawl out of the window (which I’m pretty sure you couldn’t do
successfully without even getting a scratch if you were drunk). (I’m pretty sure hitting 4 trees and flipping your car at 2am on an empty road isn’t something you could successfully do if you were sober. ) He was just
around the corner from our house, closed his eyes for a second, and that was all
it took. Driving tired can actually be just as dangerous as driving drunk, (That is true. But people who fall asleep behind the wheel are usually tired -not drunk- when the cops arrive) and
it definitely sneaks up on you. We are so thankful that Joe was OK, that no one
else was injured. He doesn’t drive late at night anymore. (Because they took his license away) Please, everyone, be
careful and don’t drive when you’re tired, even if you think you’re OK!
And yes, it is totally true that he walked to a neighbor’s house, and then had a
couple shots to calm his nerves. He just walked away from a huge crash uninjured
and I was supposed to be in the seat next to him. Who wouldn’t be shaken up? It
didn’t even occur to him that the police would check him for drinking (I believe that. I’m sure if it would have occurred to him he would have been “mia” until the next morning when he sobered up) because he
wasn’t drunk. And when the police arrived, they didn’t even question him because
there was no indication he was impaired at all. Because his car completely
flipped, he had to go to the hospital to be examined, and when they drew his
blood, then they found the scotch from after the accident. He wasn’t arrested
(believe me, you’d see his mug shot all over the Internet, wouldn’t you?). The
hospital sent the blood test to the police after we left, and a week later we
got the citation in the mail.
Drunk driving is a very serious thing and we don’t do it. We always get a
designated driver or call a cab. (Yes, in the middle of nowhere New Jersey they call a cab. Suuuuuure.)Our hearts go out to everyone who has been
affected by a drunk driving accident, or just a car accident in general. We are
so, so lucky. Things like this put everything in perspective and make us realize what’s really important in life: our family, friends and our faith.
Of course, the entire aftermath with the press and insane accusations like
Danielle’s was very stressful. (I didn’t know strip clubs were open until 2 a.m.…(Add that to the list of common sense things Teresa doesn’t know. Apparently she thinks strip clubs are day time / 9-5 type of establishments.)
am I surprised Danielle knew that? No. Was I surprised she had her birthday
party at the strip club Scores? No. I pray her children weren’t there. Nice
example, Danielle. Nice.)(Sorta like screaming for your husband to spank you in front of your children?)So the trip to Italy was perfectly timed.
Don’t get me wrong, traveling with a huge group (and huge camera crew) is not
easy. We had three generations with us! But it made for amazing memories. As you
saw, I’m not bothered at all by the stress of travel. (When you don’t have to pay for anything and you have someone else taking care of your kids why would you be stressed?)We take our kids
everywhere. Yes, you can take your baby to Italy. I’d much rather be a little
tired and jetlagged with my baby in my arms than to leave her behind with a
babysitter. But that’s just me.
There was a little crabbiness on the ship – I’m looking at you Joe and Caroline
– but what you didn’t see was how sick they were. Joe was sooo seasick. Even on
the gondola ride he was seasick! He was layed out on the cruise! And poor
Caroline was in the hospital the night before we left with kidney stones that
she took with her to Italy. So painful! (So she knew that Caroline was suffering from kidney stones and not feeling well, but decided to pawn her 3 misbehaved children off on her anyway. She just makes herself look nicer and nicer with each sentence. Don’t she? Don’t sheeee?)
Joe and I were supposed to go to the cooking class with Chris and Jacqueline, so
Caroline and Albert volunteered(“volunteered” is not the word I would use here) to watch our girls while we went. But Joe was
too seasick to get out of bed, so we didn’t end up going. (So which is it, they watched the kids so that T and J could have sex or take a cooking class? Bitch needs to get her stories straight!) I stayed in the cabin
taking care of him and Audriana, but I wanted the girls to have fun and go
swimming with Caroline and Albert. Isn’t Albert the sweetest? He’s going to make
a great grandpa someday! And Caroline too, of course! Joe and I did get our date
later, but he was still pretty sick for most of it.(Yeah… sick of her face)
The girls were also jetlagged and the time difference was killing them. You’ll
see them perk up in a few days. How hilarious was it that Milania fell asleep on
her cake? (Now it’s hilarious? Because on the show she said it was mortifying. If she had fallen asleep ON her cake, it might have been funny. But she fell asleep in her chair and then cried and screamed when her mother refused to let her sleep and tried to make her blow out the candles on a cake she clearly didn’t want. That was not hilarious at all.)
My favorite part of last night was seeing Jacqueline back to her old happy self.
She is hilarious and so fun and you never got to see that with all the Danielle
drama. (I’m still waiting to see the hilarious and fun part. Maybe they saved it for the lost footage?)
Shopping in Venice was also so fun. We really just window shopped,(Because all the expensive stores were closed) but what a
great place to do it! The one thing I got, because I like to get a souvenir from
everywhere I go, was the green glass ring. But my father-in-law bought it for
me. (Even though he wasn’t in the store when she bought it) That’s why I kissed him as soon as I came out of the store. I love love love
my parents and Joe’s parents! (Because they provide free house cleaning, and child care, and put assets in their names so that Teresa and Joe don’t get them taken away. I would love them too!)
One more clarification. A lot of people Twittered me asking about my bag of
“hair extensions.” It was hair accessories, not extensions. (I clearly heard her say hair “extensions”. ) I don’t wear
extensions. It’s really all my real hair. Ask my fabulous hairdresser Daniel
Cerone and he will tell you. Ask anyone who knows me. (Yes, ask the people that know her, because you all know they would NEVER lie for her.) But I did have an entire
duffel bag of just hair bows and headbands for the girls because I just love
them to wear stuff in their hair!
Thank you all for coming to my book signings and embracing Skinny Italian! (Thank you Laura aka Just done for attending the book signing)
Keep sending me pictures of your gorgeous meals and even more gorgeous kids!
Visit my website for my latest appearances, friend me on Facebook, or follow me
on Twitter. I’m not going to lie, I Twitter the most because I can do it on my
phone the easiest. I do read every single one and try to answer as many as I
can, but if you follow me on Twitter, you have a better chance of getting a
response from me (Facebook makes it so hard—they keep changing their freakin’
Wait until you see my hometown and family reunion next week! (Just what I want to see. MORE Giudices. Ugh….)